theamyjoy

there are days i wonder if there is some part of me that is constantly sabotaging myself.
as if just when i finally am about to have it nearly all together, a small woman in some attic corner of my mind pushes a big red button and my whole self seemingly goes on the blink.one week. literally seven days is all it took for me to find a way to set myself up, live up to the reputation i’ve given my own person, and fall back apart.

it’s funny how we live our lives. we all have these circles we move in, these routinely familiar paths of our days in and days out.
and it’s taken for granted. the day we finally find some change, we are either elated or devastated.
change brings the good and the bad, the mountain top and the valley floor, the bliss and the tragedy.

and here i sit at the seat of decision.
i hold in one hand the warmth of someone else’s. the memory of his touch. the brush of his lips.
i hold in the other a brimming cup of bittersweet goodbye.here’s to change.

twenty years.
it seems to me that i will be in my forties before i know if i’m going to be seriously something worth considering or not.
i say this simply because it seems that it takes just about twenty years, give or take some, for someone to move from being a little famous, to being appreciated, to being epic.take harper lee.
harper lee was a smalltown girl. friends with the in-crowd. held conversations with the intelligentisa of her day. capote. willams. warhol. vedal.
one book in the sixties became her contribution.
she won an award.
she became highly discussed.
and by the eighties she was required reading in schools.

so what are my plans?
what are your plans?
if we could be epic in twenty years, and if forty is the new twenty… we could really change the world, and still have a ton of time to do it all over again.what i would give to have a circle of friends like ms. lee.
to hear the ruminations and obscure thoughts of the creative revolutionaries of my generation.

certain things never cease to amaze me. [it’s true that i haven’t posted for two months, which is the longest amount of time in nearly five years that i have not written something and i felt the coldness creeping in… so it was about time.]

of all the things that just come naturally to me, there are three that i hope never change. first, i pray that i never lose my academic knowledge. in fact i have been contemplating continuing my studies.
i say this because the other day a friend of mine whose knowledge is also extensive commented on a particular word choice of mine by using the word out of context. my quick response was that if he wished to discuss deconstructive theory at a different time i would be open to that.

second, the amount of insight i have into films of all genres, but mostly of quality direction, production and art - i hope it continues to grow. nothing brings a glow to my heart quite like someone naming a director and being able to name the films he’s done… or vice versa. nor does anything taste quite like an aptly chosen quote. and lastly, but most importantly, i trust that i will never be able to stop myself from using my solid background in theology to comment on those around me.
not to make hypocritical, or demeaning or holier-than-thou comments. ish. never.
but to just interject with ones i believe make sense.

the other day a friend mentioned that he felt that he needed to go to confession.
i wasn’t brought up catholic, but i am aware of the practices of the church. “why go to confession?” i asked.
“i just have done some things i feel bad about.”
“why not just pray?”
he looked at me quizzically.
i simply stated two things. one - Catholics believe that the pope is god’s representative on earth, and accordingly that those in church hierarchy [bishops, priests] are channels to God. Christians, however, believe that with Christ’s sacrifice of death on the cross, he did away with the separation that sin gave us from God. In that way, we no longer have to go through a man - we can speak directly with Him.
“I never thought of it like that. That makes sense.” He nodded in understanding and affirmation.

I walked away and suddenly it occurred to me that i hadn’t even thought about what i said. it just came out of me. i didn’t mean to make any sort of theological statement. i just said what i know. what is written on the inside of my mind and flows through my soul. it often bothers me when i hear people refer to christians in a negative way. mostly because i know too well that the people they think of as christians are people i think should go straight to hell.

because hell to me is a real and very frightening place.
it’s not where some people think they are going to party or see friends. no. no. i don’t know how to comment on all of that really.

because every day for me is a constant struggle.
to be real, genuine, honest.
to live my faith.
to be hope.

so, here it is.
today i leave on my big epic trip. okay, not that epic.
but, i suppose it feels more so than usual because it’s been a few years since i’ve traveled internationally.
it’s strange to say that, when i used to be in and out of airports five or six times a year at the minimum.

in any case, today i leave for istanbul and moscow.
i’m hoping i packed well.
… you know i can never pack light. and [just like I WOULD] i had nightmares last night.

not about planes crashing or anything of that sort.
i dreamt that my luggage got lost and i had to replace hundreds of dollars worth of cosmetics.
i refuse to say that i’m high maintenance, because i think that i can be a pretty chill hangout person.
but i did pay over fifty dollars for my mineral makeup at MAC. so…
i don’t know what that makes me. =)ANYway. I’m gone for two weeks - I’ll return sometime between June 29-30.
I’ll check my email [ajsturgeon@mac.com] so you can reach me there.

otherwise… i’ll see you in a few.
peace/love

today i move into my new house.
but that is not really what i’m thinking about.
i’m strange, i suppose.
i know that most people would be consumed with moving and acquiring a new domain to live in.
but … i just can’t focus on it. i’ve tried.

instead, i’m thinking about an interaction i had lately.
a few coworkers sort of …. witnessed me having a crisis.
and i don’t believe i handled it well at all. let me put it to you, and you tell me your thoughts.

before i left work yesterday, a coworker just happened to mention that he couldn’t believe in a book that was taken from a multitude of sources and then put together and called the “word of god.”
i suppose i had some strange look on my face - that happens quite often. i have no poker-face abilities.
very quickly he and another coworker realized that i must have internally disagreed with his statement, because they tried to smooth it over.
but i just wanted to clear the air.
so i said,
“i went to a private school where i studied the history and text of scripture. and i could say a lot about all of that.
but that’s not really the point. the point is who i am and who He was.”but i don’t think it came out quite as well as it sounded in my head.

thoughts?

For the word of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God.
1 Corinthians 1:18 

thursday - explored with an old friend. got decked out in heels and bling. out till 3 am watching the SATC movie. good times. great movie. better friends. friday - slept. went on errands before going to hang out and celebrate graduations. didn’t return till i walked in the door saturday morning at 6 am, after a night of food and good hangout time with friends, old and new.

saturday - in bed by 1 am, after working a nine hour shift. sunday - church, work, out to dinner with friends. home by 11. in bed by 12.

monday - up earrrly. worked for nearly ten hours, came home and slept. left at 11 to see some friends. up till 2 am. woken by a cough. tuesday - lazy morning. lost my voice. drank some tea. worked a late shift that got off at 3 am. sore throat. took nyquil and drenched my throat with chloraseptic.

wednesday. day off that i planned to spend packing. spent sucking down cough drops, drinking hot tea, and being drugged into slumber.

i was not made to burn both ends of the candle. at least… not this many days in a row. in the middle of a housing move. …………………..currently under a tornado watch,

xo

i’ve thought of a number of things to blog about lately. i wondered if anyone else had thought much about how chris noth lucked out to be the ultimate… well, to be “mr. big” on THE highest rated female-target cable television show turned chick flick blockbuster of the decade. because, like a lot of the men that i find myself attracted to, he’s not… hot, persay. he’s more… smouldering.

i thought about talking once more about the downswing of my rollercoaster living situation.
but who wants all that sadness?i almost addressed how this summer will be the very first one that is … not very summer feeling. as much as i love my job and as much effort as i am making to do summer-esque things, there’s only so much that feels carefree and golden like summer should… when one day you wake up and you buy your own gas, you drop your own cash on the makeup and dresses and swimsuits, you find time in your full-time schedule for summer dinner parties and beach outings. i guess my point is… summer isn’t carefree when you grow up and life isn’t like the tv show The Hills. it’s more… structured. and comfortable. and… you might end up wearing those heels and dresses to a rockband rockoff.
which is still a pretty fun night.

i could talk about being single.
or not. i could digress about my hair. which i think has settled into a nice sunkissed brunette.

but instead… i’d like to know what you are doing with your time? where are you living? what are your summer plans? what is the last date you went on? are you counting down the days for SATC also? [it’s okay if you are not…]

i’ll be packing. for a move to somewhere, and for my upcoming trip to eastern europe… which isn’t exciting me for some reason. so you should entertain me in the meantime.

okay?thxloveyoubye…..

Love is war
It looks like danger
Know me
not a stranger
Love is like a war
Who has pretty eyes
Love is a war
She makes you cry
- Isaac Moorewith shivering and trembling
with the awe of inspiration
and the fear of the unknown
when time is frozen and unstoppable
and words shatter and rhyme -
this is love.
- amy sturgeon

Scattered and Broken
Alive and Knows what’s been
Who knows what’s awoken
A favor from
Sleep
I write in this
Open up again
Hope dangles
Grab hold
Don’t let them fall
- Issac Moorea sparkle in the eye
lights the whole body…
the soul gathers a broken heart
and mends,
using the scarlet threads of hope and
the silver needle of fear and trembling,
to form a
fragile
delicate
heart-shaped hope.
passion grows
and the future holds
a shimmer
a sparkle in the eye.
- amy sturgeon

Know that I am the beginning
Know that I am the end
They will fight you
Only you
- Isaac Mooreshe sits.
they walk past,
each taking a turn
to cut
to draw blood.
He waits.
He watches,
waiting for His chance
to love,
to mend all.
- amy sturgeon

I’ll take this beautiful girl
and hide her from the world.
Why won’t you trust me
Why can’t you see I’m falling faster than you think
Open your eyes and know me
- Isaac Moore [save us!]they dance,
swirling around a golden floor
while music dips and soars.
He spots the one she waits for,
and with perfect timing
He offers her hand -
and life begins.
- amy sturgeon

Take my hand
Make it ours.
life began
in one span
All life changed
without aim
- Isaac Moore

sunday morning smackdown…5/18/08