how do i get it out?
how do i say all the things i have no words for? no matter what thought or sentiment i have, it seems as if they are a worthless effort or an overly sentimental moment.
and you deserve more than either of those things.
i knew from the moment i first saw you i would like you.
in fact, i knew it so strongly i tried to keep it to myself.
and nearly succeeded.
until that fateful night - the one i never got over.
in fact, if i ever blushed, i would blush still thinking about it.
i tried to get over you for a year.
tried to “be cool” for so long.
and there were great moments. there were fight moments.
i’m sorry for picking the fights i did.
i forgive you for the ones you caused. the last two times i saw you, were some of the favorite moments i had.
i was so excited to have you be a part of that wedding.
i threatened to have your name written as nicholas.
but i would never do that to you.
you were so amazing that whole day…
and of course, when you called last dance, and i faded into the corner to watch all the couples sway slowly together…
i should have known you would walk over and reach out for my hand.
it was a reminder, that fizzy way the gesture made my heart feel, that i still wasn’t over you.
and we danced and i told you how great you had been that night and you said the same about me.
and i should have just gotten over myself and told you how unrequited i felt.
if i had known…and at lunch that day, the last “work” moment…
you looked sideways at me and asked why we weren’t sitting together.
and so i moved over. we chatted. i still had those stupid butterflies.
god, i wish i had just been somehow normal.
i wish i had done so many things differently.
now it just seems so petty. ugh… i hope it wasn’t.
i hope so, desperately.
because there are so many wishes now.
there are so many smiles i keep remembering.
so many laughs i can hear in my memory.
you were one of kind, love.
i still don’t know what to say out loud. i don’t know what to say… at all, really.
i loved you. i really did.
and you were a great kisser.
and you were you.
and that was the best legacy you could leave. i miss you.
i miss you.